The Pentagon chief’s Iran-war press briefings are absurd, maybe even more so than Saturday Night Live’s parodies of them
Unless you’re a journalist covering national defense, the Pentagon’s daily press briefing probably isn’t your idea of must-watch television. It’s usually a mess of jargon-riddled questions and answers between the press and the unfortunate spokesperson tasked with explaining the Defense Department’s actions. Times of war are a little different.
For the past several weeks, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has been taking advantage of the beautification studio he had built next to the briefing room to make personal appearances before the media amid the ongoing war with Iran. Hegseth, a former Fox News host, has brought what can only be described as his own personal style to the Pentagon (or, as he likes to call it, the Department of War). Hegseth can best be described as a barking dog who insists his bite is going to kill you any second now. How many ways can one say they are lethal? Pete Hegseth wants to find out. His bizarre Dr. Seuss-esque cadence and slanted rhyme schemes are just a bonus.
Enter Saturday Night Live. The show has a long and storied history of mocking prominent American political figures — to the point where in some cases their parodies have overtaken their real-world counterpart in the American imagination. Sarah Palin never said she could see Russia “from her house,” Tina Fey did. Many will recall Dana Carvey’s impression of George H.W. Bush saying “a thousand points of light” before they think of the president himself saying it. Pete Hegseth might be destined for a similar fate — although his protestations behind the podium may be even more comically outrageous than Colin Jost’s recurring take on them.
The “Weekend Update” co-anchor has masterfully embodied Hegseth’s frat-boy, performative macho-man posturing in a series of SNL cold opens that have gone massively viral across social media. Jost as Hegseth refers to the war with Iran as not a war, but a “situationship,” and makes plenty of jokes about Hegseth’s alleged drinking problem. But some of the verbiage is so spot on that we don’t think you’ll actually be able to tell who said it: the man in charge of America’s military, or a late-night comedy host.
So, who said it? The answers are below the photo.
- “We negotiate with bombs.”
- “Stop saying the Strait of Hormuz is closed. It’s wide open.”
- “In here, from now on, we’re doing army and army only, and we will be doing it in one of the bloodiest, war torn places on the face of the earth.”
- “Maximum lethality, not tepid legality. Violent effect, not politically correct.”
- “It takes money to kill bad guys.”
- “Thanks to failed liberal policies our army has never been gayer.”
- “Mr. President, I only speak American.”
- “The good news is our operation couldn’t be going better, and everyone loves it.”
- “Cut Iran into pieces, make it a Trump resort.”
- “Every once in a while you might have a squirter that makes its way through.”
Pete Hegseth talks about the war in Iran next to Donald Trump on March 24, 2026 in Washington, D.C.
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images
- Pete Hegseth, during a March 24 press conference. Hegseth commented on Trump’s claims that Iran was participating in negotiations to re-open the Strait of Hormuz. He made similar statements during a Cabinet meeting on Thursday.
- This one was Colin Jost, during the SNL cold open on March 14. It’s only a slight riff on actual statements Hegseth made regarding the strait. On March 13, Hegseth told reporters that the “only thing prohibiting transit in [Hormuz] right now is Iran shooting” at tankers, as if that is only a minor inconvenience. “It is open for transit should Iran not do that.”
- Colin Jost, during the SNL cold open on Nov. 4, 2026, spoofing Hegseth’s obsession with eradicating DEI from the military. The Pentagon chief gave a speech before military leadership at Quantico in September of last year, during which he declared to the brass that “woke” is now dead, that women in the service need to conform to a “male standard,” and that lethality was now the top priority of the Pentagon (as if being good at killing was a second-tier concern to the best-funded and most technologically advanced fighting force in human history).
- Pete Hegseth, last fall when Trump signed an executive order changing the name of the Department of Defense to the Department of War. Hegseth lamented that America had “not won a major war” since it adopted the Department of Defense moniker following World War II.
- This was Hegseth defending the Pentagon after news broke that his department planned to seek $200 billion from Congress for the Iran war. It’s money that many Americans and lawmakers agree is better spent elsewhere.
- Colin Jost, last October, mocking Hegseth’s attacks on diversity in the military. “And yet, it’s also never been fatter! Make that make sense!” Jost continued. Hegseth has also attacked overweight service members. “Frankly, it’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon,” he said while speaking to generals in Quantico days before Jost spoofed the speech.
- Pete Hegseth, on March 7, during the inaugural meeting of Trump’s latest foreign policy vanity project, the “Shield of the Americas.” Hegseth opened his remarks to a room packed with Latin American and Spanish-speaking leaders and dignitaries by declaring that he only spoke “American.” The remark came after Trump commended Secretary of State Marco Rubio’s Spanish fluency. “He’s got a language advantage over me, because I’m not learning your damn language,” Trump said.
- Jost during the SNL cold open on March 7. It certainly could have been Hegseth, though. It could have also been Trump, who at one point claimed he had “100 percent” public support for the war (a number taken from a single poll of self-described MAGA voters). Hegseth has repeatedly berated reporters for not producing enough positive coverage of the war.
- Colin Jost, during the March 7, 2026 episode of SNL. The joke — a riff on the opening lyric of Papa Roach’s hit “Last Resort” — is a reference to Trump’s desire to turn the rubble of Gaza into a “Riviera of the Middle East,” with resort styled in his own gaudy image.
- Pete Hegseth, attempting to describe an Iranian strike that killed six American service members at the onset of the war during a March 2 press conference. Hegseth claimed that a “squirter” was military slang for a munition that made its way past American defenses. In reality, it is most commonly used to refer to an enemy combatant attempting to flee an the site of a recent attack.
